Living with Anticipatory Grief

What is anticipatory grief?

We often think grief only happens after a death, but it can begin before the death. Anticipatory grief is a reaction that occurs when you expect a loss, such as when a loved one is in the hospital or is receiving long-term care.

Anticipatory grief carries many of the same symptoms as post-death grief:

• Sadness
• Denial
• Anger
• Guilt
• Shock
• Isolation
• Forgetfulness
• Confusion

These complicated emotions often pair with the exhaustion that comes with being a caregiver or the stress of being left alone when someone loses cognitive or physical abilities.

Anticipatory grief does not only happen when you expect death but also when other losses occur as an illness progresses. You might also grieve the loss of:

• Stability
• Security
• Future dreams
• Your identity
• Your loved one's identity

How to deal with anticipatory grief

Use the suggestions below to deal with anticipatory grief.

Know that you are not alone. It's important to understand that anticipatory grief is a common experience. Others may feel similar to you and be willing to share the grief.

Acknowledge your losses. Even though the person is alive, you are still grieving. Find ways to express your grief and cope with your losses, such as:

• Talking to a friend, family member, spiritual or religious leader, or counselor
• Journaling, art, or photography
• Physical activity
• Other creative outlets

Understand that anticipatory grief does not mean you are giving up. Sometimes, when we accept that an illness is terminal and recovery is not possible, we can feel guilty. However, by continuing to support the person, you are not giving up on them.

Focus on what you are still able to do. When you start having negative thoughts or feelings, try to shift your focus toward the positives. Think of supporting, loving, and caring for the person and creating meaningful time together.

Reflect on the time you still have together. Consider and plan how you and your loved one want to spend time together. As best you can, spend your remaining time together in a way that you and your loved one find meaningful.

Develop a support system and be willing to accept help. Anticipatory grief can be a long, mysterious road. Understand your support systems so you know who can help and what they can help with. Ask a friend or family member to help you set up additional support systems.

Communicate. Keep your lines of communication open, seek to understand others' perspectives better, listen, and communicate important needs and values.

Connect with others. As a caregiver, you might struggle as you experience anticipatory grief, yet you spend all your time caregiving. This dilemma leaves you feeling isolated and alone. Caregiving support groups are beneficial, whether they are online or in person. Our counselors can assist you in finding support groups in your area or online.

Practice self-care. Self-care can be difficult to prioritize as a caregiver, but it is essential for your well-being. Caring for yourself helps you support your loved one. Even small acts of self-care are extremely beneficial. Consider the following self-care activities:

• Journaling
• Connecting with family, friends, or support groups
• Taking a walk
• Taking a power nap
• Asking for help
• Eating a favorite food
• Watching a favorite show

Understand that relief is common. If you're anticipating someone's death for weeks, months, or even years, there can be a sense of relief when they die. Along with this relief may come guilt. It's important to understand that feeling relieved does not mean you loved the person any less. Relief is a normal reaction after experiencing a stressful and overwhelming time.

Don't assume. You cannot assume that anticipatory grief means you will experience more grief or less grief after the death. Don't assume that others aren't willing to help you because they do not talk to you; always ask for help if needed. Also, everyone grieves differently, so do not assume others are grieving in the same way.

Consider counseling. Counselors have experience in creating coping strategies and providing a neutral perspective. Seek counseling when you feel overwhelmed with the emotions that come with anticipatory grief. Request a counseling appointment or call us at 877-313-4455.